The misfit has returned

So, I’m working my way back to blogging. Apparently people do read what I write, and they are yearning for more. Ok, more like asking “what’s the deal, misfit?”. You see, I expect people like Dave to ask me why I haven’t been writing, but not my mother. When she asks, you know I’ve been seriously lacking on my updates. So, Mum, here’s one!

I’m back to class after a reading week, following my paediatrics rotation at SickKids. Loved it! Still really want to work there, but really bummed I didn’t even get an interview for a summer position there. But I’ve moved on, I’m embracing my new challenge – working at the surgical oncology unit at Sunnybrook. Should be intense, but my friend who were there last time loved it! I’m looking forward to a busy and rewarding time there. Keeps me on my toes, and keeps me learning for sure.

We’re starting in to wedding season this weekend. M and I have totaled it up – we’re looking at about 6 weddings between May and June. NUTS! Last year we had 8 from January to November (including our own). Instead of getting stressed about how expensive wedding gifts can be, we’re getting original. We’re hooking up some awesome creative ideas for our good friends that will be cost effective for us, but rich on love for them. I’m excited. I’ll try and post some of the creativity once it’s set to go (and they have been given – no sense in ruining the surprise, right?)

Anyway, it’s time for me to leave for class – this post is a start – I’ll try to get more up as soon as I can. And Mum – I love you!

Loose ends

It totally feels like I’ve got so many little chores to do before I’m done at work.  I cleaned out my desk early (last Friday) because the newbie is sitting with me all week this week, but I’ve still got to finish sorting through old emails and forwarding them to my home address…I’ve got to make sure I’ve got all the files off my work computer and transfer them to my home computer.

I’m also taking care of the loose ends for school.  I’m sending in my last updates – my CPR certification and my last of my titers.  I’m working out my schedules, my orientation details, my tuition.

It’s like I’m in limbo.  But I suppose everything will seem different next week.  I’ll keep you posted.

Dinner and beyond

Last night as there were so few of us that could meet for LR, Rachel and I were invited over to dinner shindig that was happening at Enoch’s place.  I walked a little late but was greeted with enthusiasm, and a nice cold, homemade Mojito.  Excellent!

The dinner was nice – it was with a great bunch of people I know but haven’t spent time with in a long time.  Lots of awesome food made by Nicole, Karl’s fiancee.  We just chatted, had drinks, relaxed and got to know each other a bit more.  I can’t even tell you how great it was to go out and do that again with people I know.  Especially ones from my church.  I’ve been feeling so much like I’m in limbo these days, and totally disconnected from my church community, that it felt really good to socialize with them.  Plus the people I was chillin with were all a bunch of hipster city kids – and it made me remember some of the great feelings of being a cool city kid.

It seems there has been so much change in my life that I feel like I’ve had to say “Hello grown up married type Felicity” and goodbye to “gregarious fun-loving Felicity”.  It’s a crappy feeling because the grown up Felicity feels a little too innondated with the seriousness of life.  I’ve been really scared that I’m losing my ability to be social and to make connections…or even worse, that’s I’m no longer worth making those connections with.  Maybe that explains why I’m so nervous to catch up with some of my friends.  I can’t meet them as my fun loving self because that girl is tucked away somewhere. 

But it’s all about baby steps, right?  Last night was a good one.  I’m still fun, and outgoing, and friendly.  And I can carry on a conversation.  Another one was resetting my iPod and listening to my awesome tunage while commuting to work sur la TTC.  It reminded me that I’m still that music lover, I’m still a city girl. 

Now I just need to get back in to my skinny jeans.

Life gets in the way

I’m almost done all my school work – in fact I’m so close I can taste it, but I’m so far away that it feels like I’m never going to be finished.  It’s especially frustrating because I had hoped to be done as of Saturday, when I wrote my final exam for Physiology, but it just didn’t happen.  I’ve been rushing to get the last assignments done, and to get my take home exam for Women’s Studies done (6 small essays?!?).

The worst part is that life is getting in the way, even more now when I’m so close to the end.  On Friday, when studying for my test, I had people visit, and upsetting phone call from my sister, leaving me totally emotional and feeling so upset I couldn’t sleep before my exam.  AND I only got to study what I had covered from the midterm onwards, leaving me without having reviewed 50% of the course!  Not cool.  Luckily I made it through ok – but I don’t like doing that in the least.  The rest of the weekend I crammed in assignments and essays – but Monday came and I was still not done.  Then came the work week.  And it’s been so very busy I’ve had no free time over lunch and whatnot to get essays written, so here I sit, blogging after having written an essay about women and health care reform.  And I don’t know why I’m still typing.

Life is just starting to say “HEY! Stop ignoring me!” and all I can say to myself, others and the little annoyed voice of the overachiever inside me is “SHUT UP!  BE PATIENT!  I’m almost done!”

Anyway, enough ranting.  I hope to most more soon, but again, school is my top priority right now.

A thoughtful post

So, It’s been ages since I’ve written on my blog. To tell you the truth, I’ve thought about it tons of times, but I just haven’t felt the motivation to get to writing. It doesn’t help that I’ve been super busy (directing a show, travelling to Germany, and the like). Plus it’s summer – it’s nice outside, and I don’t want to spend my nice sunny evenings squandering my hours on my computer. Really.

But I also have to admit, I’ve had the blahs as well. I’ve been totally stressed out and maxed out these days. It’s like I never have time to relax. I run from work to event to event to sleep to work to event to sleep to work to event…I’m sure you get the picture. It really does take a toll. So often, people who are like me don’t take the time to take care of ourselves. We go, go, go until we just can’t handle it anymore. Then we collapse, recover slightly and then start to fill lives up all over again. And it’s just tiring.

I know I’m not one to criticize anyone for this approach in life. Heaven knows I’m much happier when I’m going full tilt rather than sitting twiddling my thumbs. In fact, I detest being idle. It makes me feel lazy and unmotivated. And that’s dangerous. Really. Once that feeling is triggered, I start to decend into feeling resentfulness for not having enough to do – especially at work or with organizations where I want to help out. Kinda silly, but still it happens. On the other hand, if I get too busy and take on too much, this lack of a break pushes me into feeling misunderstood and unappreciated if I feel that others aren’t at the very least validating what I’m doing and if they don’t do as much as me. Clearly I am a drama queen.

But the question is – why? Why does it have to feel this way? I’m beginning to think it is because I’ve got my motivations all mixed up. I want to help people and feel useful for recognition, for validation, and that’s just not what life is all about. It’s about finding a balance, centering yourself and walking steadfast away from the anchor on which you stand without pulling on the chain to hard. It’s about servitude and not attitude.

I’ve been really struck by this thought in the last two days. I keep complaining (loudly) about being unhappy and unmotivated. I feel under-appreciated and overworked. Really, it’s just my pride that feels that way. Inside my Spirit is just saying – hold firm, God will restore you. God will give you the will and the ability to serve others. This is a gift not something to make you feel better. And I’ve been neglecting that Spirit.

So, I’m gonna work on one thing – breathing – feeling that sense of Spirit enter my lungs has give me strength. I mean, afterall, every drama queen needs a little bit of humulity.

A life gets a little more complicated…and busy.

Life is really good this week. I’m happy. I’ve been spending a good chunk of time feeling super productive and the other half spent with a stupid grin on my face. Oh well. That’s never a bad thing.

So, what’s making life so different?

1) Making some commitments – to God, to love, to many things. But I’m committing even more to being a Godly woman. And He’s rewarding that! Woo!

2) Co-creating some potential projects – I’m not going into great detail yet, but there are a few ideas on the horizon! It’s gonna be really cool.

3) Directing the next QPT show – Grey’s Entourage. Hollywood’s Been Hospitalized. The show is going up in June. The auditions are in April. Come one come all!
Check it:

4) Some potential music – with my friend Shawn. March 24th. Keep this open!

Wow. That’s a lot.

I’ll keep you posted.

These are the words of your life…

1. Up
2. Down
3. Discouraged
4. Frustrated
5. Tired
6. Desolation
7. Searching
8. Anger
9. Sad
10. Cheerless

The tryst is over…

Alas, my friends, the time has come and gone to be a subletter this summer. Yes, as of today I am no longer a resident of the area affectionately called the “gaybourhood” or “boystown”. I have moved to Corsa Italia where pasta meets rasta. I have moved into my very own place.

I feel excited and intimidated all at the same time. I’ve got practically no furniture – only having bedroom accessories – and I am in dire need of a couch. Trouble is I’ve got some very specific ideas of what I want, so it’s baby steps to getting there. I’ve got half of my stuff set up, and the internet came today. Woo! I’ve bought my paint, and I will gradually get around to painting this place – the only really offensive room is the bathroom, so hopefully that will be on the list of priorities. But overall, I feel good. Just a couple more trips to Ikea should do it!

I will keep you all posted, and hopefully take some pics of the new place.

All life’s theme songs should come from musicals

Excerpts from

“You Can Always Count On Me”
in City of Angels
book by Larry Gelbart, music by Cy Coleman, lyrics by David Zippel

I’m one of a long line of good girls
Who choose the wrong guy to be sweet on
The girl with a face that says welcome
That men can wipe their feet on
I’m there when he calls me
The trusted girl Friday alright
But what good does it do me
Alone on a Saturday night

If you need a gal
To go without sal’ry and work too hard
You can always count on me
The kind of a pal
Who’d sneak you a file past the prison guard
Loyal to the “nth” degree
The boss is quite the ladies man
And that’s my biggest gripe
Till I showed up he’s never hired a girl cause she could type
I’m no femme fatal
But faithful and true as a saint Bernard
Barkin’ up the wrong damn tree
You can always count on me

I go for the riff raff
Who’s treating me so so
When I can play the second fiddle
I’m a virtuoso
I should be playing for a wedding band
But there’re no wedding rings attached
Though you can bet there’re strings attached

A matter of fact, If you want an ill-fated love affair
You can always count on me

Though my kind of dame
No doubt will die out like the dinosaurs
You can always count on me
I’m solely to blame
My head gives advice that my heart ignores
I’m my only enemy
I choose the kind who cannot introduce the girl he’s with
There’re lots of smirking motel clerks who call me, “Mrs. Smith”
But I’ve made a name
With hotel detectives who break down doors
Guess who they expect to see
You can always count on
Bet a large amount on
You can always count on me

Time to step up? (Edited)

Just to note – I wrote this post twice apparently- I thought I had lost the first post. I have included both versions here now as I feel they both kinda mix to show what I’m thinking…

Version 1:
Today, I don’t find myself feeling any better. I am spiritually and emotionally drained. And what’s more, is that last night I started feeling antsy, which in my last year of spiritual growth (translate ass-kicking at times) usually means that something is about to happen. Now, I have yet to be able to discern in advance if this means something good or something bad will happen, but something will happen. And it’s tough, because I am just feeling so tired, and I want to cling so closely to the Lord because I know He will be my source of clarity, but at the same time, I’m tired, I don’t know if I can step forward and do what He wants me to do. Sigh.

I guess we’ll just breathe, take a moment, pray a little, and then step out in faith. I can at least take comfort in knowing, no matter how hard it may be, I’m always taken care off. Amen to that.

Version 2:
Today is another day, and I’m still feeling slight emotionally and spiritually drained. At least it’s getting a little better as the day goes on, but still, I’m just not feeling 100% today. What’s more is that last night and this morning I was feeling restless, which generally means that I am about to experience something…at least, that’s what it’s meant over this last year of spiritual growth (translate ass-kicking). So, yeah, looks as if the “Big G” is trying to share something with me, it’s just rough that I’m not able to discern what that is just yet. Grr. I know I’ve gotta stay true, and patient and faithful, but I sometimes hard to be brave when I don’t know what to expect. Something is going to shift. I just don’t know if I’m ready for it.

Plus, it’s not easy to grow in the Lord sometimes. It’s really not. It’s great when it happens, but it definitely takes a lot out of you. It’s hard to take a long solid inward look and say “This is crap, I need this out of my life. Jesus, fix the holes!” because it means sifting through painful thoughts and facing the darkness in order to become victorious over it.

Baby steps.