Winding down 2009

Since doing my Dare in October, life seems to have moved pretty fast.  November was a blur of midterms, final projects, and clinical days.  Not to mention kick-ass floor hockey games.  Before I knew it, it was December and I was wrapping up clinical at SickKids, doing SIM lab demos, and preparing to write my final exams.   Now, the school work is over, and I have time to breathe again.  In other words, I have a life again (but only until January 4th).

Since finishing up my exams last Wednesday, I’ve been cramming my days full of things I’ve been meaning to do for ages and I’ve been picking up work shifts.  First item on the agenda: CLEANING THE HOUSE!!  The dust bunnies have been staring me down and I promised myself to wait until after exams to clean.  I was itching to get going, and I knew once I started, there was no going back.  So last weekend, M and I cleaned every surface in the apartment and took the time to purge some stuff that really needed to be disposed of.  Once that was all taken care of, we celebrated our good work with decorating for Christmas!

Really, there is nothing I love more than having a house full of Christmas lights, and spreading a little cheer with cute angels, snowmen, and penguins with Christmas hats.  It makes me remember happy things, and it’s a way of celebrating the amazing event that is Christmas.  I know it may seem like I’m just giving in to the commercial side with my types of decorations, but my heart knows that what I’m really feeling is the joy of the season that comes from knowing that the peace of Christ came to earth for all of us.  Such an amazing gift! 

I guess now that I have time to think about the season, I really need to ensure that I enfuse the power of the gift of life Jesus brought to us in everything I do for Christmas.  The cookies I make should be made with love, because Christ showed us the meaning of loving others.  The Christmas lights should be reminders of the light of Jesus, brought to those who sat in darkness, a light that changes everything!  The decorations should be ways of praising the Prince of Peace!  Everything should exude peace, love, joy, and hope.

That is my Christmas wish as we wind down 2009.  Praise to the Lord, Christ has come, Hallelujah!

A quote

Someone posted this on F-net, and I thought it was really interesting to ponder:

“Thomas Merton once said that spiritual life is essentially to love. One doesn’t love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God.”

- except from the Author’s note in “By the River Pedra, I Sat Down and Wept” by Paulo Coelho

Joy

I came back from church tonight pondering how joy fits into my life these days. It seems I’ve been running around, feeling like there is too much on my plate for so long now, that I’ve been overwhelmed with small details of what I’m not doing rather than taking joy in what I am. That’s a hard place to be in, and well, it’s even worse when you’re perpetually placing yourself there. There has been quite a bit of transition in my life over the last little while, and although many of the changes have been for the best, I’ve found myself feeling like life has run away without me at time. That I can’t keep up with all that I want to do, or all the adjustments I have to make. And that’s left me feeling totally like I don’t add up somewhere.  And I don’t see the joy in the new adventures, I just see work.  Work that I can’t possibly manage to the level I want to.

Tonight, David spoke about the creation story.  He described the world as being really pretty freaking cool because it’s filled with joyful wonders.  Most of all God found it good!  So, us, being a part of this bigger picture.  Those of us who have been placed here for a purpose, inevitably end up being good as well.  And that’s a joyful thought.  I think I don’t ponder it often enough.  In this world, we’re so quick to judge ourselves and to compare ourselves to the world around us.  We see the flaws in ourselves, we see the broken and rough edges, and we forget that those edges are just a beautiful.  And they are good.  They too belong to God, and He loves them.  Our souls are beautiful.  My soul is beautiful.

And that is a joyful thought.

God and aliens

I read this interesting article on Wired today – it was about the Vatican’s cheif papal science advisor indicating that the Roman Catholic Church will gladly welcome any little green men as brothers (if ever they are proven to exist).

It’s definately worth a read.

The process

Last night Marty and I spent the evening with our marriage mentoring couple from the Meeting House.  It was a fun evening – they’re very nice and fed us very well.  After dinner we sat down to talk about the first few months of marriage – and I’ve gotta say, this is definitely valuable.  Adjusting to being married is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.  You’ve got to learn to live with a new roomie – and there are WAY more emotional stakes.  That aside, when you’ve got other outside stressers (like school) it makes it even harder.  So, Marty and I are both really enjoying having a couple that’s been married for a while present us with some good tips and opportunities to talk things out. 

One of the really interesting things we discussed last night was a spin-off idea of one of Bruxy’s sermons.  It was the contrast of efficiency and relationship.  Essentially, Bruxy brought up the idea that it’s easy to question why God isn’t efficient – He’s all powerful, so why doesn’t He fix everything?  That would be efficient indeed, and the end product would be fantastic, but it wouldn’t bring about what’s really on God’s heart – a relationship with us.  So, God often is willing to “sacrifice” efficiency for relationships.  It’s very interesting topic to ponder about and it really made my think about it. 

When I was doing a lot of theatre theory, especially postmodern theory, I often discussed the idea of the process being the art.  Sometimes the end product, the play or piece, isn’t the most interesting part.  The process of how the piece was conceived, collaborated on and refined tells a truer tale.  That’s the process.  I really truly believe that for me the process is what’s important.  Last night, I got to thinking about how this idea of process can be translated into interpersonal relationships, and also with my relationship with God. 

It’s easy to get discouraged when the end product that you’ve been working towards doesn’t come out just right.  Perhaps by focusing on how far you’ve come from point A to point B is what’s needs to be taken into consideration.  Those are the actions that are deliberate and most often done in communion.  If I know I’m good at a task and that I can do it efficiently doesn’t mean I have to do it all the time if it’s at the expense of not involving others.  A guitarist may be totally able to carry on a tune, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of the drummer wanting to keep up with him.   

I’m really going to chew on this one for a while – I think it will really help me understand why it is I have to continue to pursue my faith in Christ.  It may be rough and hard at times, but I still keep plugging on.  Although God could make all the answers and pathways clear, He doesn’t because this allows me to find Him, to ask Him for help and to move forward in communion with Him.  I’m pursuing the loving, righteous relationship He’s always had in mind for us. 

Very cool. 

Two minus one

M left for Romania on Friday. I’m really excited for him – he’s getting a chance to do some good in the world, but I’ve gotta admit, it’s strange going about the day to day without him. I now understand what he was talking about when I went to Germany sans him. It’s like you get a glimpse of what life was like before having that other person around – and well, I too, don’t like it. Not at all.

In fact, it’s got me pondering again about where I was this time last year. In the midst of cracking into little pieces. I was starting to deal with painful issues that were bubbling to the surface and I was wanting so badly to not hurt anymore. I also wanted so badly to have what I have now with M. But a skewed perception of it, really. I wanted so badly to have a life that was exciting and lovely, and I wanted to have someone to share it with. But I didn’t see that my way of pursuing it was all wrong. I was running after the type of affection that I thought would be true love, love that I saw my other friends find. And I began to dispear and think that it was never possible for me. Ever.

Imagine now what it’s like to have love, true love, land in your lap. Truly amazing. I didn’t excpect it. In fact, I downright pushed it away. But God’s got a funny way of turning things around. And I truly hold Him accountable. But I won’t go into all the gushy details. All I know is that I feel like something is missing.

M, come home soon! I love you!

A thoughtful post

So, It’s been ages since I’ve written on my blog. To tell you the truth, I’ve thought about it tons of times, but I just haven’t felt the motivation to get to writing. It doesn’t help that I’ve been super busy (directing a show, travelling to Germany, and the like). Plus it’s summer – it’s nice outside, and I don’t want to spend my nice sunny evenings squandering my hours on my computer. Really.

But I also have to admit, I’ve had the blahs as well. I’ve been totally stressed out and maxed out these days. It’s like I never have time to relax. I run from work to event to event to sleep to work to event to sleep to work to event…I’m sure you get the picture. It really does take a toll. So often, people who are like me don’t take the time to take care of ourselves. We go, go, go until we just can’t handle it anymore. Then we collapse, recover slightly and then start to fill lives up all over again. And it’s just tiring.

I know I’m not one to criticize anyone for this approach in life. Heaven knows I’m much happier when I’m going full tilt rather than sitting twiddling my thumbs. In fact, I detest being idle. It makes me feel lazy and unmotivated. And that’s dangerous. Really. Once that feeling is triggered, I start to decend into feeling resentfulness for not having enough to do – especially at work or with organizations where I want to help out. Kinda silly, but still it happens. On the other hand, if I get too busy and take on too much, this lack of a break pushes me into feeling misunderstood and unappreciated if I feel that others aren’t at the very least validating what I’m doing and if they don’t do as much as me. Clearly I am a drama queen.

But the question is – why? Why does it have to feel this way? I’m beginning to think it is because I’ve got my motivations all mixed up. I want to help people and feel useful for recognition, for validation, and that’s just not what life is all about. It’s about finding a balance, centering yourself and walking steadfast away from the anchor on which you stand without pulling on the chain to hard. It’s about servitude and not attitude.

I’ve been really struck by this thought in the last two days. I keep complaining (loudly) about being unhappy and unmotivated. I feel under-appreciated and overworked. Really, it’s just my pride that feels that way. Inside my Spirit is just saying – hold firm, God will restore you. God will give you the will and the ability to serve others. This is a gift not something to make you feel better. And I’ve been neglecting that Spirit.

So, I’m gonna work on one thing – breathing – feeling that sense of Spirit enter my lungs has give me strength. I mean, afterall, every drama queen needs a little bit of humulity.

Now the Green Blade Rises

Now the green blade rises
from the buried gain,
wheat that in dark earth
many days has lain;
love lives again,
that with the dead has been:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

In the grave they laid him,
Love whom hate had slain,
thinking that never
he would wake again,
laid in the earth
like grain that sleeps unseen:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

Forth he came in quiet,
like the risen garin,
he that for three days
in the grave had lain,
quick from the dead
the risen Christ is seen:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

When our hearts are wintry,
grieving, or in pain,
Christ’s touch can call us
back to life again,
fields of our hearts
that dead and bare have been:
Love is come again like wheat that springs up green.

 

Growing pains

It’s days like today that I really wish I was done growing up. Realistically, that’s hard to say because we’re never can fully say we’ve finished growing. Intellectually, physically and even spiritually we should always be searching for something bigger and better. To move up, to move on, or to simply move. Heaven knows I don’t want to settle or become to comfortable in life so that I can’t see the next step…but sometimes it’s just so damn hard.

I’m really feeling that these days. I’m in the middle of a super intense spiritual and faithful journey. One that involves me searching deep within myself to find God in all the cracks, scars and deep set wounds of my heart. This journey started over a year ago when God told me He was gonna move in my life. I remember that day so clearly. I was walking down the street from then Rachel’s house (now my house) and I was thinking – about a book I’d read, about God and about life. I was thinking how great it would be to commit my life fully into the path of Jesus, and what that would mean. And suddenly I could feel God saying – “Yes, do it! I am with you and I will change your life. Just commit to me and I will change so much.” And I said “ok!”

That was the first time I didn’t feel scared of the final product. That product being a Godly woman. The woman I am in Christ. I am nothing if I am not that. And I was not born to be nothing.

Now I sit a year into this journey, and more and more I feel like my insides are being ripped apart. I’ve been through so many ups and downs. I’ve had laughter, I’ve had pain, and God’s made me come out alright. He healed some surface wounds. Now He is saying that is delving deeper. Into the dark, hardened elements of my heart. The very core of my being that is scared and walled in. And He is asking me to let in the Light. And I’m scared.

Not because I don’t want to be healed, but because it hurts like hell and I don’t know how to show my weakness. If I do, I just won’t be able to stand up. I’m afraid that God won’t love me, that my friends won’t love me…that I won’t love me. Or simply that I will fail to change. And that’s a tough challenge to face. Especially when it means doing things you don’t necessarily want to do. That’s the “fun” part – realizing that growing up involves the violence of choice – as in choosing something because you have to obey, because God is asking you too.

And I’m really struggling right now. I know I have to focus myself on the cross. I have to sit and beg for the right to be there, but at the same time I have to let the Light come in. I have to let God work. I have to let Him make me move. I have to lay down by still waters so He can restore my soul. And it’s about discipline. And babysteps. And taking the sweet with the sour.

I just pray that I can remember that. Mostly because I just feel like screaming “Stop this pain, you bastard!” Why make me feel if you’re just going to hurt me. But it’s true, growing up has it pains. And His rod and staff with comfort me. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Amen to that.

Something to think about

Oh God, where are you now?
by Sufjan Stevens

oh God, hold me now
oh Lord, hold me now
there’s no other man who could raise the dead
so do what you can to anoint my head

oh God, where are you now?
oh Lord, say somehow
the devil is hard on my face again
the world is a hundred to one again

would the righteous still remain?
would my body stay the same?

oh God, hold me now
oh God, touch me now
there’s no other man who could save the dead
there’s no other God to place our head

would the righteous still remain?
would my body stay the same?

there’s no other man who could raise the dead
so do what you can to anoint my head

oh God, hold me now
oh Lord, touch me now