I’m senstive and it sucks!

Now that this whole process is over and done with for now, I’m feeling like I’m ready to get back on track with all my friends.  Trouble is, it’s a little daunting.  It’s like emerging from a pit and suddenly saying “Here I am – what’s new?” when everyone else is a way past that point.  They’ve been living their lives since I dissapeared.  And I’m sensitive about it – meaning that I’m kinda feeling a little bit like a lump on a log – do I have a place now that everyone has moved on?

I think I’ve been feeling blue on this bit for a while – mostly because a lot of transition has happened over the last year and a bit.  I went from single girl with a broken heart to girl in love, to engaged girl, to married lady, to school work nazi, and then back to life.  It’s a lot to process, and it’s hard to see where you fit in anymore, especially when your good friends are transitioning too.  I’m terrible at staying in touch, but I’m still wanting to be a good friend.  Yikes.

Anyway.  I’m sensitive about this whole thing – I’ve felt a little bit like I’ve failed my friends by not being around, and so I’ve been second guessing myself as to whether or not I was worth being friends with at all.  And that’s a BAD way of thinking.  I dunno.  Maybe the dramaqueen just needs to chill out and leave the drama out of it.

Baby steps.

When it rains, it pours

Dad’s still in the hospital, and probably won’t get out for a while.  He was complaining of pain in his hip so on Friday night he underwent another X-ray and CAT scan.  We got the results on Saturday morning, and it seems worse than expected.  It seems that Dad has had an undiagnosed mild form of spina bifida since birth, a condition that has caused his joints to be slightly abnormal.  During the crash, Dad impacted his hip and now has a small fracture there.  As his joints aren’t normal, recovery from this injury is probably going to take much longer than his elbow, which is projected to take over a year.  Now it seems Dad is set to go into a rehabilitative care institution so they can help him get back the use of his elbow and his hip.

Oh dear.

Bikes and Dads don’t mix

Last night M and I went to check out the film screening of “The Door” and “A Boy and His Wolf” by my friend Karl Ritcher.  Lots of fun to check out, seeing as I helped in the art department on the second one.  (My first film credit!)

Alas, during this time, I missing some rather frantic calls from my mother.  (My phone was on vibrate, and I didn’t hear it).  As M and I were heading home I got another call.  It was Mum again.  When I called back, I found out that my father was in a biking accident yesterday.  We don’t know all the details because the hospital had a hard time tracking down Mum during the day so she got to the hospital just before 9 pm when Dad was heading into surgery!

The basic understanding we have is that he was biking on Cherry St around 2:30 yesterday afternoon, went around a corner, and the rest is a blur.  Luckily four teenagers saw the accident and called 911.  They took Dad to the hospital, and managed to get his bike home.  Dad’s apparently shattered his elbow and we’re still waiting on word of what exactly has been done.  He only got out of the O.R. at about 2:00 this morning!

Yikes!  I’m not sure of more details – I’m waiting for Mum to get to the hospital!  Poor Dad!

Winning over parents = good, stolen iPods = bad

This weekend I decided to take on another adventure. Yep, it was about meeting the parents. M’s parents, of course, seeing as I’ve met mine.

So after work on Friday, M and I left the city to head down to Lambton county – more specifically to the chemical valley, aka Sarnia. Even more specifically we went to Sombra. It’s a thriving community of maybe 200 people. Very pretty, but you’ll see in a minute why I mention these facts…

The drive was good – we made fairly good time once we got past the Friday commuter traffic. It was a nice drive, as M and I got to spend some quality time together. Before I knew it, it was 9 pm and we were pulling into his parents driveway. Then the meeting happened – both of his are really nice, and his puppy Winston is super cute. We had a good, though brief, visit before hitting the hay for the night.

The next morning, however, presented me with a different view of the tiny little Sombra. Yep – I awoke to M asking me one simple question “Did you take the iPods (meaning mine and his) out of the car?”. My response: “No”. Oh crap. Turns out both of them were gone, gone, gone. GAH! It seems the door might have been left open and someone got in and took them both.
The good news – we didn’t lose the cell phone, wallet or expensive sunglasses we also foolishly left in the car. But still – the iPods…

Later that day we tried to put it out our minds and focused on family time. I got to play hockey with M’s brother and nephews. It was a lot of fun, and lunch was great. Really, I just felt really welcome, and that meant a lot to me. It was a successful day. I think I’ll be welcomed back..

That evening we headed of to Wendy’s to join her Hawaiian party. It was good to have a chance to meet her friends, and to have Wends meet M. Wends ended up getting up some really strange and funny outfits for Value Village, and we all looked pretty silly. It was nice. It’s just too bad I couldn’t taste any of her Hypnotique breezers (stupid lent…)

Sunday was all about breakfast and then heading out, but not without raiding Wendy’s CD collection first. We made it home in under 3 hrs. Safe and sound. And iPodless.

Last kitty hair

So, tonight I noticed the very thing I did not want to see…the cats have gotten to my couch. The entire bottom netting has be ripped and there are some small, but annoying claw marks on the front of the couch. Argh! Yes, they are small, but in principle, it’s the last thing I wanted. I haven’t finished paying for my couch yet! And they’ve gotten my curtains, my shelves, my potted plant and my imitation leather chair. The couch was too much.

They are currently locked in the freshly stripped bare bathroom. (With a blanket, food, water and litter box). This is their new home when I’m asleep or not home.

Sigh. Cute cats, but a little bit psycho.

Tantrum Smantrum

Ugh.

Today didn’t start out well. I fell asleep with my contact lenses in. I woke up with them stuck to my totally blood shot eyes. Then I had to clean up after the kittens. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having to sweep up kitty litter every morning and night. Then I showered. Seem ok so far, right? Yeah, gets worse…

I sit down on my bed. The bed frame shifts and my boxspring hit the floor. So did I. GAH! I very noisily start to try and fix this issue. I have to pull off the mattress, I move the boxspring. Can I feel any worse? I’m already overtired and feeling frustrated. I take a minute to check my computer – what??? It’s not recognizing the internet/my airport express hardware anymore. Shit! I can’t handle it. I call Rachel and get the number for Apple. I find out I’m on set up. GAH!

I start to yell and scream. Today sucks. The first Mac help guy does nothing because I don’t have the purchase date on hand. I yell at him and practically hang up. I take a minute, find the date and call back. I get Sam. Sam helps me fix the issue. I thank him. I fix my bed and clean my room. I breathe.

What tantrum?

Honestly Progressive

What an interesting weekend. It was a full on drama queenish weekend, plenty of angst and emotional rollercoaster moments. Well, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but when one hasn’t had some drama for a while, it kinda seems that way. This weekend was all about learning something about myself and helping a friend do the same. It’s amazing how well that works.

You see, this weekend there was a bit of a breakdown in truly right actions between myself and a good friend, we slipped easily into a bit of a self-serving style – as in we were both a little more concerned with our own sensibilities than really thinking out how our actions were effecting the other. To admit that is sad, but necessary. But I feel that things are all the better for it. The events opened up an opportunity to do something God has long being calling me to do: to be outright and honest.

That sounds simple enough, I know, but let me stipulate that I am a girl who often with stew or brush away angers and hurts rather than confronting the issue. I like to hide at times (right, Jay?). I was convicted long ago about these actions by another good friend, and I’ve been really wanting to strive to be better at being honest and open in loving way to my friends. I say loving because honesty doesn’t mean bluntness and rudeness, it means calling someone on wrong actions, and laying open your own wrongs. This weekend was a prime example about how sometimes things need to be flushed out and talked about. It was really good to know that it could be done, and neither of us ended up hating each other. Funny, I guess I now have the “proof” I needed that it’s ok to work that way.

I feel like I’m growing up a little.

"Adventures in workland" or "there and back again"

Talk about being on an adventure wagon today. Right in the middle of one of my calls today, I encountered a slight problem – I got something in my eye, or so I thought…I tried to push through and finish the call, but my eye was watering and it was messy. (You know how fussy mascara is, right ladies! ha!) It turned out that my left contact lens had actually ripped! I managed to pluck it out, but in two separate halves! Ugh!

Honestly, I was flabbergasted. I had no idea what to do because I had no supplies with me to deal with this seeing as it has never happened to me before! Yikes. I couldn’t see anything at all! I had to leave work, take the TTC an hour all the way home, get new contact lenses (and reinforcements to put in my desk) and then hop on the TTC to come all the way back!

Oh, the adventures that my left eye has managed to cause this week! Sigh.

At least it’s not purple.

A weird head space

Aside from the weirdness of being jet lagged, the last few days have been interesting – I’ve ended up in a strange head space, and I’m not really sure what it means. There was something about going away that allowed me to have a little bit of space from some of the crazy dramas that seem to happen here in the city, and I was able to get some much needed perspective. Drama isn’t always necessary, and it’s all relative.

Seeing my family, and knowing some of the history that they have survived made me stop and think – I’ve had it pretty good here in Canada. Really. I could have spent my life in Africa, had to deal with major political change and tough times, but my parents chose to leave for myself and my sister. Times have been hard here too, but still I’ve always felt relatively sheltered. So the dramas are all relative.

I guess it does make sense that I’m in a weird head space – I’m resisting all senses of drama here. I feel it. I don’t want to deal with it. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I am being surrounded by tons of it, I just don’t want it to come. Yet I can’t explain it, I feel like something is going to happen soon – my “faye” tendancies might be acting up – and I just have a feeling like something is going to change soon, for better or for worse I don’t know. It’s just a weird sensation and a weird head space.

Hmm…

Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Life presents itself with interesting situations at times, and sometimes I wonder whether we just choose to make more complications out of it just because it is possible. Coming from a “drama queen”, this is probably quite truthful.

Lately, my life has just wanted to become more complicated, and I don’t know what to do about it all. I just so unsure and confused as to what my choices should be so that they are choices that won’t step on other people’s lives. Ever get into that kind of situation?

For example, person A wants to have chocolate ice cream and person B does too. There is only one tub of ice cream. Now person A and person B are good friends, and person A knows that person B has constant cravings for chocolate, but wants to help person B with the cravings so that they don’t get worse. Now person B knows that they want chocolate, and they are seeing this as a situation where chocolate won’t be so bad to have, but is cautious. Person A also is trying to figure out what taste they have for chocolate, and is trying to be considerate to person B, but also wants to see how much they like chocolate. Person B is trying to be considerate of person A’s need to understand how much they like chocolate. It’s just a constant back and forth – it’s just one little tub of chocolate ice cream, is it something that is necessary to fight over? But of course it’s a great quality chocolate, so neither person A nor person B want to lose a claim on the tub of ice cream. But again, is the chocolate good enough to replace a friend if it comes down to it? And should the situation escalate to the point where that choice has to be made? And can the situation escalate just because it’s not the first time this struggle has happened?

I’m just rambling, really.

This past year, I’ve learned a lot about friendships, and I’ve been trying hard to open my eyes to ways in which I have been selfish in the past. I still screw up, I still make mistakes. At least I’m a heck of a lot more aware of my faults then when I stepped on to the Toronto scene last September. I’ve met so many beautiful people here, and I’ve become a part of a community that has meant the world to me. For some of the first times in my life, I’ve been called on tough things, purely out of love, so that I can work on my hurts and my own issues – and all within a Godly way (and for those of you who know me, you know this is super important to me!)

Last fall, I lost the friendship of a lifetime for a little while. I was stupid, and selfish for probably the zillionth time, and it took a toll. It took losing that frienship for me to truly evaluate what it had meant to me. It was tough – it’s really hard to learn that you’ve been loving someone the wrong way for almost 7 years. It was a reality check. But something helped me realize that I have the potential to love that person in the right way:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always potects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-6)

And although the friendship is still coming back on track every new day, I feel it getting better, well, because there is hope. There is always hope. And faith. Maybe sometimes that’s all you have, but at least you have that.

I guess that’s almost my answer, ice cream comes and goes, person A and person B will come and go, and friends will come and go. At least through it all we should be able to say that we LOVED, truly loved them all.